Dilemmas of a Divorcee

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Yes, that’s what happens when you go through the word that is one of the biggest stigmas to exist in this country.

Here are the thoughts that crippled me at the thought of the D-word.

Fears:

1. How will I tell my parents?
2. How will I sustain myself?
3. What if I become a burden on my parents?
4. How will I face friends and relatives?
5. How will I survive the neighbors?

Do you see “how will I heal” anywhere on the list? The scope doesn’t arise in a country where you’re gripped with the fear of people rather than your personal tragedy because the biggest irony lies in the fact that the marriage may be yours, but the failure will be critiqued by everyone.

I have recently gone through a divorce and this is my story. Nothing is imaginary. These are all that I have faced and still face to an extent.

Let’s do a little flashback before I come to the present.

Wedding bells ring for a starry eyed twenty something and the love of her life. No clashes happen. Both the families are more than happy to accept the bride and groom. The parents beam with pride as they arrange a big fat Bengali wedding. Every guest goes gaga over each arrangement so carefully made by the joyous parents. The bride blushes as compliments pour in. The groom can’t contain his happiness with all the attention showered on him. The extravaganza continues throughout a week and then it ends abruptly. Music stops. Guests depart. Decorations start being taken down. The euphoria begins to settle in. Life begins.

The couple who spent the previous five years of their lives cooing sweet nothings into the telephone, spoiling each other with lavish gifts, going on dreamy dates wake up to reality. They’re now a married couple.

Soon the mundaneness of life starts to engulf them. Adjustments begin while dealing with the routine, compromises happen, and hairline cracks start to appear as they go along. Years roll by, the couple grows older together and somewhere down the line they can’t keep pace with each other’s growth. Unconsciously they start to grow apart, and the cracks soon become more visible.

At this stage every couple tries to work at mending the cracks as did we. Some work, some don’t. However, the marriages that finally bite the dust too take time to reach the final lap. Mistakes keep happening while a lot of water flows under the bridge. While you contemplate on the idea of calling it quits, it is among the hardest of decisions partly because you go through all or some of the fears I have listed earlier. Also, it is my strong belief that nobody gets married to end up in a failed marriage.

A lot of time is spent on the edge of the cliff. After all sorts of deliberation, when you begin to be engulfed by paralysis by analysis, push comes to shove, and you end up taking the decision.

Now is your time to figure out if this leap will take you down or let you fly. Now that I have been there and done that, I can assure you that the first bumps are real. Let me share with you my experience of facing my fear finally in the order that I have listed earlier.

1. How will I tell my parents?

This is what turned out to be the easiest of all. The reason I feared telling them is not because I doubted their unconditional love, but I was afraid of hurting them. Fortunately for my father, he passed two weeks before my ex breaking the news to me, unfortunately for my mother she had to bear the pain for both. But what a brave front she put on! And she held my hand from the word go. She continues to hold my hand till date, not making me feel bad even for a second about anything at all. I now know that it’s only your parents who will truly stand by you rock solid no matter what.

2. How will I sustain myself?

Yes, this is a fear that always gripped me because I always knew I would never take alimony from my ex. I have always worked but never really took my career seriously as I was never the bread winner. Somewhere I did not have faith in myself. I did not think I have it in me to lead a life independently, but I proved myself wrong and how! It’s close to two years since I have been leading an independent life and have slowly learned how to manage every aspect without anyone to show me the way.

3. What if I become a burden on my parents?

The obvious course of action when a girl leaves her marital home would be to return to her parental one. With that would come a lot of facing people which I was not ready to do at the time when this disaster happened. Luckily, I landed a job in an unknown city which I jumped to accept because I never wanted my parents to wake up everyday and feel pity seeing me. I’m sure they wouldn’t but in my mind, they would. And this decision became crucial in my healing process. It became so much easier to start afresh since neither did I know the city, nor its people. So, it gave me enough room to breathe and do self-talk to gain back my confidence which certainly got hit in the process.

4. How will I face my friends and relatives?

I didn’t. I became a recluse in a way. I stopped keeping in touch with my friends and relatives till I felt I was ready to speak about my reality without shedding a teardrop. I did have a few curious ones asking me a few leading questions, but I avoided them deftly. I sacrificed attending my cousin’s wedding and a few other family occasions but at the end, it was all worth it.

5. How will I survive the neighbors?

This one, I’m still working on. With some telling them straight about your reality works, for some it doesn’t, and you can never tell which is which. So, this remains a grey area. Some judge immediately, some at least pretend to empathize. I still haven’t found a sure shot way to deal with neighbors, but I have learned to ignore this aspect since it affects me the least.

At the end, I want to tell everyone who judge a divorcee that you really don’t know someone’s truth to sit and pass your judgment. Keep your moral compass to yourself and don’t make up a story based on fragmented information. The ones who are unfortunately going through a divorce, make your own rules, face your fears head on. You will get hurt by people who you will never imagine can attack you with scathing remarks while you will also find support from people you will never expect from. These are the people for whom damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You don’t need them.

Count on yourself only. The bumps on the road will smoothen down the way and soon you will be so tough that nothing will be able to touch you. The healing will happen if you give yourself space and nurture yourself like you would a child. Be kind to yourself. Be open to learning. Cry your heart out. Let the tears cleanse you. How else will you welcome the new day?

I have overcome my bumps. I have started taking flight and I’m sure I will be soaring before I know it. And I hope my story gives hope to whoever is going through a similar journey. Here’s to wishing every survivor a great new life ahead.

The Un-helpful Positivity

Like all fads, positivity is one too these days. Open your messaging apps, you're flooded with them or look at your social media accounts, you're drowning in them. But are the ones always preaching really positive?

I have been going through the worst phase of my life since the past five years. Otherwise known to be a social person, I started going into a shell thanks to pseudo positivity. Imagine when you're losing your father to cancer, you're being told, "people have it worse" or when you've become bankrupt, someone telling you "to look on the bright side". No! That's not positivity. That's called lack of empathy.

I'm well aware of the benefits of optimism. If I weren't, I wouldn't have been able to keep the fight on. I have witnessed how my father fought the pains of cancer and survived each day of the death sentence with a smile on his face. Only I know how I cut corners to keep myself afloat after restarting my life from ground zero. And l do it with a smile on. So of course I believe I'll overcome it all. I'm determined to win back everything except not my father who we have lost forever. In my opinion, I'm a positive person.

Offering positive advice also has a right time. If you aren't acknowledging someone's emotion or helping someone process the feelings they're going through, you'll come across as pseudo positive. Maybe all the person sharing with you is looking for a sincere listener. It is among the hardest thing to do to just sit with the distressed person and let him know that you are there to share the burden of the mind numbing thoughts. After all, it's impossible for you to understand the amount of pain that the other person is going through because you haven't been in that place!

Pessimism on the other hand is a different ball game altogether! I'm not advocating that at any cost. I myself have never blamed my luck or felt like giving up at any given moment.

All I'm requesting all the run of the mill positive message influenced people, that when someone who is going through extreme distress has chosen to share her/his story in confidence, don't try to solve anything. Just be a genuine listener. Assure the person that s/he can be vulnerable in front of you and you'll protect them no matter what. That's all that is required instead of a rehashed "be positive".