The Doomed Love Story

Please don’t come close to me,
No more! Go away from me.
Have been through enough
Life has made me tough.

The first time we patched up
I was sure I had done the right thing
Everyone deserves a second chance
So did you, my darling.
After months of separation
Running back into your arms was a celebration
Life was a rainbow again
There isn’t going to be any more pain.
Love, laughter and sunshine
You brought back in this life of mine.
How could I live away from you?
The only way to happiness I know is with you.
And that is what the bone of contention was again
Soon the arguments had taken over in vain.
The more I pined to be with you forever
The more the others in your life took over,
I fought the world just to be with you
But the world won against me and you.

The inevitable happened yet again
We broke up, again, amongst a lot of pain.
Months passed and you became a distant memory
I sailed along my life of drudgery.
Just when I thought that without you I’ve learnt to live again
You came to my door and held your arms wide open,
I refused to run to you and reminded myself of the painful past
Our doomed relationship had all against and thus did not last.

Please don’t come close to me,
No more! Go away from me.
Have been through enough
Life has made me tough.

This year we’ve patched up for the sixth time
Many tears, many moons later you’re still my sunshine.
Not a thing has changed since we met all those years ago
This is the only way to love and live we both know.
Our love for each other has not changed a bit
We’ll never be apart again, this time we’ve promised,
The five times we fell apart we tried our best to move on
The more we tried to go away the more we had hung on.
Real love has always been tried and tested,
Almost a decade later our love is still sacred.

We were meant to be together, so what there are thorns?
Our rose of love will never wither despite all the storms.
Pure as “Pearl” are our hearts together
We’ll be apart never again, never.

To Quit or not to Quit...

"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much you love in the beginningbut how much love you build till the end." Is it? Quotes like these always get the better of me. Isn't that compromise we are talking about? Yes, a very important aspect to maintain relationshipsbut creating a right relationship out of a person who may not be right may be taxing your life! In fact many marriages in this world are based on this theory. Can't say any of them are satisfying relationships though. Now you may argue otherwise. Mind you, it's this mask that we wear over the years become such a part of us that after a point we cannot see the truth anymore. Living in denial becomes the only way. Yes it is difficult to find that person who is made for you. There is no sign, like they say in movies, which would scream when you meet the one. You will perhaps not know till quite some time whether he/she is the one or not. When you do though, you would be wasting your time if you try to create a right relationship with the wrong person. You cannot change anyone for anything in this world. If you push yourself to change for someone instead, you are bound to feel claustrophobic after a point. And then you begin to wonder what you should do with the relationship since by the time realization happens, it is perhaps quite late. What you do at this stage defines the rest of your life. The amount of love you might have felt during this period possibly remains the same, yet something does not feel right. The moment you get this feeling, something is really not right. Yet most of us choose to ignore the message. We carry on dreaming of the impossible. And by the time we realize that no amount of putting in more of you is going to help change anything, life is almost over. To quit or not to quit? The question keeps haunting...

The first…

“Tears are words that the heart can’t express”. Is that true?
The first human contact she experiences is the whack on the back when she comes out of the mother’s womb. And the result? Tears of course. Even as she wails her lungs out, mother reaches out to comfort the bundle of joy. And that, is the first time, she learns to take shelter in her mother’s loving arms. The arms that hold her and shuns the world away. She feels safe. She feels protected. She feels loved.
She grows up knowing that those arms will never fail her. The first time she walks into school is the longest separation she has had from her mother. She looks forward to the home time. She walks towards the exit searching for her mother and she does not fail as always. There she is, smiling across the crowd of other guardians. She fights tears of joy as she runs into her arms and knows this is where she belongs. The tears express all that there is to be told to mother. This is where home is. Then begins a life full of insecurities – the first homework, the first test, the first result, the first time she is bullied, the first time she is late, the first best friend and the first fight with her, the first gossip, the first…and before she knows it, she is a grown up lady. By now she has gone through all the firsts. She is beautiful. She is confident. She falls in love…for the first time…just when she thought she is done with all firsts.
The feeling is nothing like she has known so far. For every first, she has had her share of insecurities which at a lot of time has led to tears. Mother’s comforting arms have been a constant through all of that. So this is what she knows for all the firsts she has experienced. However, life is full of surprises. For the first time there is no fear in this new emotion called love. The first touch makes her feel the worth of her womanhood. Life seems like a rainbow – pretty, colorful, endless. Soon the first fight happens. She doesn’t mind the tears after a very long time. Even while she recovers, another happens. Soon she is crying more than ever and the rainbow begins to fade. No amount of sincerity helps solve the issues. She tries hard but it happens…the first break up. The tears overflow. The heart seems to have broken into a zillion pieces. She runs back into her mother’s arms for that never failing sense of comfort. She is surprised! It doesn’t help! The excruciating pain seems to become larger than life. She howls. She screams. She faints.
Life is back to square one. The routine has taken over all her senses. No more firsts. All the firsts are over and done with. She doesn’t look forward to experiencing anything new anymore. She doesn’t look for the familiar feeling of comfort. Life is a blur. She doesn’t look for a rainbow. When she looks back, tears stream down…they are apparently words that the heart can’t express.

The Fleeting Butterfly

It’s a lazy afternoon. I’m sitting on my big black bean bag in one corner of my massive bedroom. The room is as quiet as it can get. It’s raining since quite sometime. I can hear the pitter patter of raindrops in the background. There is no other sound apart from that. There are some books, a diary and a pen on the bed. On my right there are three phones lying next to each other – one white cordless phone and two cell phones. One of them should ring any moment. It’s time for his call to come and for me to catch up on the happenings of the whole day, something that I long for throughout the day. It’s as if all the laughter and happiness is stored for that one call. Even as I’m waiting for one of my phones to ring and to hear his voice, something strange is beginning to happen. Everything around me has started fading away. First the phones, then the bed, the books, the television, then the chest of drawers, cupboard, everything – one by one.
I found myself sitting under a huge tree, on lush green lawn. A nice smell is wafting in the air from somewhere. Took a deep breath trying to figure out what smell it is. Doesn’t it smell like a few dozens of flowers blooming somewhere? A ticklish feeling startled me suddenly. What was that? There is something quivering on my hand. I brought up my hand close to my face. Wow! What a pretty butterfly! It’s sitting still on my hand and resting safely, as if to have found his home after an endless search. I fell in love with it instantly. Couldn’t move my eyes off it for a few moments. A gush of soft breeze sent a chill across me. I looked up and what I saw next almost took my breath away. There were beautiful flowers everywhere I looked, of all hues and fragrances. It was a riot of colors – could not figure out which ones were prettier. My curiosity was taking over me by now and I decided to explore where I am. I tried getting up very slowly, trying not to disturb the butterfly. But just as I put one foot forward, it flew off.
My hand suddenly felt empty. The feeling of the soft touch had engulfed me in matter of minutes. I had to get it back. Just as I started wondering which way to go, I spotted it, sitting on a beautiful pink rose. I tip-toed my way towards it. I bent down slowly but the butterfly started flying again. By now all I wanted was to get it back. Not one to let it go out of my sight, I began following it, through beds of multi colored tulips. I was almost close to the butterfly by now. One more time I reached but this time it just disappeared. I stopped, looked around, but alas! It just could not be seen. My head drooped as I began walking again. The tulips made way to a beautiful stream with rocks all around it. A few white lilies were floating on the still water. My legs were aching by now. I decided to rest for a while and sat down by the stream.
Silence. That’s all there was. I could hear the trickle of the water flowing and a few birds chirping here and there. There was no other sound. All of a sudden something magical started happening. I could hear the sound of silence. It began speaking to my mind. I was a mere listener to the conversation that was going on inside me.
Why do we miss a loved one so much? Is it the heart or the mind that plays the trick? After all, it is the mind that creates an illusion but not the heart! The heart loves - it feels, it does what it wants to do. Osho said, “If you love, love so deeply, so totally, that the lover disappears. Then you are just energy moving.” Brings me back to my question…where does missing someone fit in then? Is it painful to miss someone or is it an extension of happiness? Can the energy bog one down, ever, or does it elevate? Or is it a mechanism that heightens the moment of happiness when your loved one seems to appear from nowhere? Look at the stream flowing in front of my eyes. Here is the water that quenches our thirst yet the river does not drink it! Trees do not eat the fruits it bears. The clouds don’t get wet in the rains! Is that what loving is then, without being dependant on the other to make you happy? Even while I was pondering, I felt something ticklish, familiar this time, on my shoulder. With a surge of relief and an air of confidence I looked at the beautiful creature and smiled. Though I missed it all the while that it went away, my heart felt the same…then and now. Which means the energy of love is actually enough to make one content. If we use the emotions while missing someone’s presence just as a mechanism to heighten the feeling of contentment, it just leads one towards complete bliss.
What was that sound? Isn’t that my phone ringing? Oops! The butterfly flew off! I almost got startled at the sound of the ring this time. Where is the stream? Where are the flowers? Where is the beautiful garden? Confused, I reached out for the phone. I was happy to hear his voice after such a long wait. Now I know why. I was missing him – thank God for that. I have no idea what happened or how I went to that garden but I definitely experienced something heavenly that I will never be able to explain. Was it a dream? I looked at my hand. I could still feel the butterfly, the fleeting butterfly.

Draupadi Kiski

Here’s a tale of Mahabharat
Set in the modern day,
Draupadi was the babe of the time
Aur aaj bhi hai.
There was a zamana when it was
Only Pandav n Kaurav,
Today she is being wooed by
Every living manav.
So deviyon aur sajjano
Now the time is here -
To check out the nominations
For Draupadi’s swayamvar.
While on one side she has dudes
Coming from history,
On the other goons are wooing her
Leaving behind robbery.
Film stars, mamus – you name it,
Who doesn’t want to have her?
Among such an array of choice
Will she find her lover?
So among all the madness
Lets see where this takes us,
Reliance Money, jai jai Money
Fast, funny, fabulous!
While the world is busy with
Apna apna masti -
We are only asking this –
Guys, Draupadi kiski!

This was the introduction that I had written for a play that we, Reliance Money put up in the annual HR Meet of our group Reliance Capital.

Tale of a Princess

Once upon a time there lived a Princess.
Was the epitome of laughter and happiness.
Butterflies and flowers and birds and the bees,
Rainbows and clouds and the rains and the breeze;
Everything danced at her beck and call,
'Twas as if her smile made the world enthrall.

One fine morning the sun was shining bright,
The Princes was looking oh so right.
A Prince rode into her majestic world,
And stole her heart with a magic wand.
Love can conquer the deadliest of sins -
There, what was a pure heart? It took a spin.
'Twas like being eaten up by fire and then reborn again,
She would never be quite the same again.
A huge rush of emotion had engulfed her,
Life had changed suddenly forever!

But so much happiness could the Evil bear to see?
Out came her fangs and soon the Princess was in misery.
Just how he had come into her life out of the blue,
The Prince disappeared. Where? She had no clue.
Tears slid down her cheeks, as she melted into the bedspread -
That touch of magic had just faded.

A decade passed by, the Princess kept hoping;
She'll be back in the arms of her Prince Charming.
She kept being haunted by her lost love,
A second chance would probably change everything.

Change it did, when it happened -
Prince Charming did return after a decade.
The rush of fierce emotion each time she looked into his face,
The way she responded to his kisses.
"Where did you disappear, my darling?", she asked.
He said, "I was always in your heart.
I have come back to tell you I'm sorry,
I miss you a lot but then that's another story.
A lot happened in this decade, I cannot lie,
I have come back coz I did not bid you goodbye."
With that Prince Charming went into oblivion,
While she stared unseeingly at the horizon.
Never in her life before had she felt so totally wretched!
There was no point in denying the story had ended.

She shivered one last time remembering the good old days,
It was time to look forward and get over the wretchedness.
She refused to cry another single tear for him,
Decided to let life fill her with new feelings.
The moon was full, the breeze felt cool,
She closed her eyes and felt the pull;
To live life again, in joy and peace of mind,
She opened her eyes to a bright new future;
All the pain and aches she has put behind.

A butterfly came and kissed her cheek,
"Welcome back!", it said so meek.
The Princess is once again happy and smiling,
Her heart is again fluttering and dancing;
The world she missed out on in the decade of waiting,
Is still shimmering and colourful and overwhelming.

Spiritualism...my thoughts...

Just last month I gave in to my quest for the new-age spirituality.
Where science ends, spirituality begins...always been a believer of the saying. Since the last few years I've been doing a lot of reading about the same. But nothing seemed to satisfy me. Kept looking for something more but just could not pin-point what. So I finally decided to discover the meaning myself.
Aradhna, my school mate, also going through a similar phase, made that magic call. She asked me if I wanted to accompany her to Osho's. Without a moment of hesitation I said yes and the few weeks in between passed with tremendous amount of anticipation. Let me not forget the huge number of misconceptions that continued to intrigue me further to discover the Meditation Resort which kept beckoning me every second of the days.
Entering the Resort and settling was only part of it. I felt the first tingling sensation at the moment of my entry into the auditorium where people gather for the meditations. Nothing like the candle-scented rooms where a talk is in progress that I have witnessed before where once it's over you seek further fulfillment over a movie and popcorn. All I saw was a huge auditorium which was almost dark. All around me were people of various age groups. And even while I was trying to understand what should I do next, some beautiful music filled up the whole auditorium. Soon everybody were moving, no, shaking ... Without trying to think much, I too began doing the same. Surprisingly, soon I could feel the energies moving up from my feet. Some energy had taken over me and I was just going with the flow. The music changed after 15 minutes or so and we were dancing now. Not in any structured manner but the whole body was moving as it wanted. Another 15 minutes later the music went off. We began observing, witnessing whatever was happening inside and out. Suddenly there was an internal monologue and all I was doing was listening. Thoughts and feelings had taken me over. I remembered my sister's pet pup. I used to hate pets. Loathed them in fact. But did he love me less for that? I used to come home and he used to jump all over, barely able to contain the joy. Isn't that spirituality? Love selflessly without any expectation...that was him! Never asked any question about the fact that I used to hate him. So much so that the day he died I felt an amount of guilt which I've never experienced in my life. He was spiritual. He knew how to love.
Osho says, whatsoever you do, do it totally. When you do it totally you are not worried about the result. You did it totally. You are not holding anything; you have put all your energy in it. Now if you fail, you fail. If you succeed, you succeed. But whether you fail or succeed, you are fulfilled because you have done whatsoever you could do. Stake everything! It is only when you are totally into something that mysteries are revealed to you. Go into depth, to the very roots of everything - because the secrets are in the roots; not in the flowers.
I was beginning to understand what I did not for so long. True spirituality has to do with heightened sensuality or senses and doesn't isolate. It's the oneness of life that's important. Spirituality means being in touch with your inner self. The highest purity lies within me, not outside. The highest source of peace and security is within. Suddenly, the pup who was no more was giving me direction in life. I wanted to live life in totality. I wanted to let go ... of myself. I was suddenly more awakened, more fresh, more alive!