Spiritualism...my thoughts...

Just last month I gave in to my quest for the new-age spirituality.
Where science ends, spirituality begins...always been a believer of the saying. Since the last few years I've been doing a lot of reading about the same. But nothing seemed to satisfy me. Kept looking for something more but just could not pin-point what. So I finally decided to discover the meaning myself.
Aradhna, my school mate, also going through a similar phase, made that magic call. She asked me if I wanted to accompany her to Osho's. Without a moment of hesitation I said yes and the few weeks in between passed with tremendous amount of anticipation. Let me not forget the huge number of misconceptions that continued to intrigue me further to discover the Meditation Resort which kept beckoning me every second of the days.
Entering the Resort and settling was only part of it. I felt the first tingling sensation at the moment of my entry into the auditorium where people gather for the meditations. Nothing like the candle-scented rooms where a talk is in progress that I have witnessed before where once it's over you seek further fulfillment over a movie and popcorn. All I saw was a huge auditorium which was almost dark. All around me were people of various age groups. And even while I was trying to understand what should I do next, some beautiful music filled up the whole auditorium. Soon everybody were moving, no, shaking ... Without trying to think much, I too began doing the same. Surprisingly, soon I could feel the energies moving up from my feet. Some energy had taken over me and I was just going with the flow. The music changed after 15 minutes or so and we were dancing now. Not in any structured manner but the whole body was moving as it wanted. Another 15 minutes later the music went off. We began observing, witnessing whatever was happening inside and out. Suddenly there was an internal monologue and all I was doing was listening. Thoughts and feelings had taken me over. I remembered my sister's pet pup. I used to hate pets. Loathed them in fact. But did he love me less for that? I used to come home and he used to jump all over, barely able to contain the joy. Isn't that spirituality? Love selflessly without any expectation...that was him! Never asked any question about the fact that I used to hate him. So much so that the day he died I felt an amount of guilt which I've never experienced in my life. He was spiritual. He knew how to love.
Osho says, whatsoever you do, do it totally. When you do it totally you are not worried about the result. You did it totally. You are not holding anything; you have put all your energy in it. Now if you fail, you fail. If you succeed, you succeed. But whether you fail or succeed, you are fulfilled because you have done whatsoever you could do. Stake everything! It is only when you are totally into something that mysteries are revealed to you. Go into depth, to the very roots of everything - because the secrets are in the roots; not in the flowers.
I was beginning to understand what I did not for so long. True spirituality has to do with heightened sensuality or senses and doesn't isolate. It's the oneness of life that's important. Spirituality means being in touch with your inner self. The highest purity lies within me, not outside. The highest source of peace and security is within. Suddenly, the pup who was no more was giving me direction in life. I wanted to live life in totality. I wanted to let go ... of myself. I was suddenly more awakened, more fresh, more alive!

The unending pain

Does anyone know what it’s like to be in pain?
Is it some kind of unrest that happens inside?
Does it feel like someone sawing you into million pieces?
Is it like you are being crushed under a mountain?
Is it when you are alive yet you cannot breathe?
What is it?
What is it like?

I can sense a huge crater pulling me inside.
I can feel the lava
Burning me alive.
I can see the inevitable
Wanting to embrace me,
But I’m not ready to leave yet.
No, no,
Not just yet.

There’s so much light I want to see -
So many colors I want to live -
So many dreams I want to chase.
Will someone help me?
Will someone give me some strength?

I want to fight it all -
I feel the urge to.
But the vacuum is sucking me in!
The lava is catching up with me.
The more I want to live,
The more I get sucked in -
To the land of filth, pain and darkness.
The more I want to smile,
The more tears roll down.
Am I the only one who needs to go through so much pain?
Have I been destined to carry everyone’s pain on their behalf?
Can no one share it with me?

I want to break free from everything,
Yet I fear loneliness.
I don’t want to be lonely,
Yet I don’t want to be with anyone.
I want to be with someone
Yet no one is around.
I’m all alone
Yet there is a crowd around me.
I want to breathe
Yet there is no oxygen.
I want to be out in the open,
Yet I don’t want to step out of my cocoon.
I want to come out of the cocoon
Yet I am frightened of the world.
I want to leave it all,
Yet I want to live.

When I want happiness
I have to beg,
But when it comes to pain
I’m blessed with abundance.
All that I’m able to feel
Are hoards of pain!
Always catching up.
Not letting me out of sight
Lest I miss any of it!
Happiness is like an illusion
Peeps at me -
In case I get even a whiff of it
It absolutely disappears,
Lest I smile!
Tears are synonymous with my life
Pain is all I was born to feel
Hurt is all that I must go through
So that life rocks for you.

“It’s one of those days when everything goes wrong”

It’s one of those days when everything goes wrong.
I woke up late
I missed my train,
I hurt my foot
Got wet in the rain.
My phone conked off
The PC’s crashed down,
My boss scoffed at my face
Like an irritating clown.
The roof’s coming down
On my head it seems
“The only way out
Is THAT phone call” - I scream!
To my good fortune
He gives me a call
But didn’t I tell you
It’s one of those days when everything goes wrong?
He is not in himself
Coz his pen-drive is lost
He is in trouble
His hard work’s gone for a toss
His boss is on his head
Asking him to comply
To get his act together
It’s either do or die
He goes in for a meeting
Greets all with a smile
He reaches for his laptop
And heaves a heavy sigh
Will this day come to an end
Or is there more in store?
As the thought crossed his mind
There came a lot more
His wallet is missing
This had to be the last straw
The deal that’s been dealt
Is a tad too raw
So you see my friend
This ain’t exactly a love song
I told you remember
It’s one of those days when everything goes wrong!

Loving You Is Living Life

I wake up early morning
The sun is shining bright,
My room is shimmering
With a gleaming ray of light.
A cheerful day for all
Though I can’t say the same for me,
My sun is yet to rise
To enliven the day for me.
“Good morning baby” – a message comes,
Suddenly on my phone
Now I feel revitalized
My sun has finally shone.

The world is full of hustle bustle
Half the day has passed,
Sitting on the sea shore
I can see the distant mast.
Of the ship that started to sail away
Hours ago from here,
Now it’s in the middle of the sea
About to disappear.
A flock of birds are flying home
Chirping away too –
Just then a message comes
Asking me – “ Wat you do? “
I scream out to the flock of birds
“ Hey wait for me!
I want to fly away with you
To the land of possibility “
The possibility to be with
The only living soul,
Who makes a difference to my being
My existence on the whole.

The moon is up, the night is young
The sea breeze tranquil,
The day has finally come to an end
The world is turning still.
I however feel restless
Leaving me wondering why,
My phone right then receives a message
“ Darling, wish you good night! “
I suddenly feel peace
Calming down my life,
I love you is too small a phrase
When actually you are my life!
Loving you is living life
I say that again and again –
May we conquer all the peace
And say good-bye to all the pain.

Had written this for a special someone who I'll never be able to forget!

I don't know!

Blogging after ages!

Why didn't I for so long?

I don't know!

Why am I, now?

I don't know!

Funny how negativity settles down in our lives in such a way that negativity itself takes one over. Anything that is repeated many times over becomes the truth ... an old saying. I've heard this before and seriously wondered how can that be possible? But now, when I see my life, I feel as if the saying was meant for me.

A soft skill trainer by profession, my job is to motivate people. I do it so naturally! Trainees swear by me because of the way I manage to make every problem in their lives look so simple! In the training room, when I talk about all the positive things that exist, I see the amazement in people's eyes. I then question myself, who is the real me?

You know what, I don't know!

Always beleived in the saying,"Don't go the way life takes you. Take life the way you go." I know we were born to live and not living because we were born. But will I ever be able to implement this in reality?

I don't know!

Haven't gone to work today. Thought I'll spend some time with myself. Sat with a pen and paper and decided to challenge myself with all the questions on my mind. I did. I was surprised to find that I can't answer my own questions! Am I really so weak? Then who is this person who gets into me when I'm out there in the world motivating everyone possible?

Funny, but I don't know!

The irony is, I like to believe that I'm not a loser. I want to take control over myself. I want to live life as per my terms. The desire kills me. However, every time I want to look for an answer within myself, those three words creep up from somewhere. How I want to fight it! I want those three words to become invisible! I want to live life to the fullest. Will I ever be able to?

I don't know!

A contradictory forward

This morning I was feeling especially low. Nothing is going right in my life. No matter what I'm doing, everything is going wrong. But life has to go on! So despite all the miserable feelings I reach office and try to find solace in my cubicle. I sign-in to my mailbox and find an interesting forward which says, "How to stay happy". This is like God answering my prayers staright away. For a moment I felt as if all my bad feelings are about to disappear and I open the forward with high hopes.

Tip 1 : Try everything twice : I just did. Had one failed relationship. Moved on to the next with a lot of hope and it crashed.

Tip 2 : Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down : I do! I have loads of cheerful friends but one is cheerful only when all is well in one's life. And when all is well, the last thing that matters to you is someone else's life going for a toss. So cheerful friends really don't help. You are on yuor own when all goes wrong.

Tip 3 : Keep learning : That's what I've been doing! Learning the hard facts of life. Everytime I think I've learnt from my experience and this time I can't go wrong, it happens just the other way. Everything goes wrong.

Tip 4 : Enjoy the simple things in life : That's all I want! The simplest thing called love but it always deludes me. They say the more you give in love the more you get back. Absolutely! The more love I give, the more pain I get back.

Tip 5 : Laugh often, long and loud : Believe me I want to. Till life decided to mess things up for me I was one of the most cheerful people around. But now I'm scared to laugh. For every ounce of laughter I have to shed gallons of tears. So laughter is also ruled out.

Tip 6 : The tears happen - endure, grieve and move on : Again, that's exactly what I want to do. I cry, move on and just when I think my share of tears are over, it happens yet again. It's almost like I'm cursed.

Tip 7 : Surround yourself with what you love : Again, I told you I'm cursed. The things that I surround myself with give me happiness jsut till I get used to them. The moment I start revelling in that happiness, they become the very things that become the reason for my tears.

Tip 8 : Cherish your health : That's the only thing I can call my own I guess. But again, happiness makes you want to cherish your health. So when you are sad and depressed, the last thing that can bring a smile on your face is good health because you are sick of yourself!

Tip 9 : Don't take guilt trips : What other trip can you take? You go through it again and again; life tells you to lose faith in love; but does your heart listen? You still go ahead, fall in love and it happens yet again. The only thing you are left with is guilt.

Tip 10 : Forgive now those who made you cry : I do and have already done. But it hasn't helped. I still have millions of moments haunting me and killing me every moment.

So none of the tips worked. Naturally! I was a fool to still have hope that there can be some magic mail that can make me happy when everything has failed in life!