Not Right Now!

 

Last year we all got restricted to our own four walls by this time which till then used to be perceived as a privilege for few – work from home. What felt like a lottery ticket at the onset, soon started turning into an ordeal for many.

We all started living the human simulation of the new style of work and the grass didn’t seem greener anymore.

Till this time people thought work from home was equivalent to an extra holiday. However, as businesses, schools, social lives started zooming into various electronic platforms, lines started getting blurred. Bosses learned to accept pets showing up during review calls, students started observing the teacher’s husband when they got bored listening to her, children started creating games for online play dates. We weren’t left with any more demarcation between work and home. As one started spilling onto the other, people realized it was time to start creating boundaries.

Since then it’s been a year and we have all learned to carve out our own do’s and don’ts. Is the list exhaustive yet? I don’t think so since this is a continuous process. Everyday we are learning to do a few more things to ensure the boundaries are helping us stay true to our goals. In my case I have understood that there will be days when work will take precedence whereas there will be some when it will be home. I have started respecting hard stops and ensure I implement my own as well. I see the levels of trust and empathy have shot up like never before. People have started respecting boundaries without sending anyone on a guilt trip. It has become acceptable to say “not right now”.

 

Dilemmas of a Divorcee

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Yes, that’s what happens when you go through the word that is one of the biggest stigmas to exist in this country.

Here are the thoughts that crippled me at the thought of the D-word.

Fears:

1. How will I tell my parents?
2. How will I sustain myself?
3. What if I become a burden on my parents?
4. How will I face friends and relatives?
5. How will I survive the neighbors?

Do you see “how will I heal” anywhere on the list? The scope doesn’t arise in a country where you’re gripped with the fear of people rather than your personal tragedy because the biggest irony lies in the fact that the marriage may be yours, but the failure will be critiqued by everyone.

I have recently gone through a divorce and this is my story. Nothing is imaginary. These are all that I have faced and still face to an extent.

Let’s do a little flashback before I come to the present.

Wedding bells ring for a starry eyed twenty something and the love of her life. No clashes happen. Both the families are more than happy to accept the bride and groom. The parents beam with pride as they arrange a big fat Bengali wedding. Every guest goes gaga over each arrangement so carefully made by the joyous parents. The bride blushes as compliments pour in. The groom can’t contain his happiness with all the attention showered on him. The extravaganza continues throughout a week and then it ends abruptly. Music stops. Guests depart. Decorations start being taken down. The euphoria begins to settle in. Life begins.

The couple who spent the previous five years of their lives cooing sweet nothings into the telephone, spoiling each other with lavish gifts, going on dreamy dates wake up to reality. They’re now a married couple.

Soon the mundaneness of life starts to engulf them. Adjustments begin while dealing with the routine, compromises happen, and hairline cracks start to appear as they go along. Years roll by, the couple grows older together and somewhere down the line they can’t keep pace with each other’s growth. Unconsciously they start to grow apart, and the cracks soon become more visible.

At this stage every couple tries to work at mending the cracks as did we. Some work, some don’t. However, the marriages that finally bite the dust too take time to reach the final lap. Mistakes keep happening while a lot of water flows under the bridge. While you contemplate on the idea of calling it quits, it is among the hardest of decisions partly because you go through all or some of the fears I have listed earlier. Also, it is my strong belief that nobody gets married to end up in a failed marriage.

A lot of time is spent on the edge of the cliff. After all sorts of deliberation, when you begin to be engulfed by paralysis by analysis, push comes to shove, and you end up taking the decision.

Now is your time to figure out if this leap will take you down or let you fly. Now that I have been there and done that, I can assure you that the first bumps are real. Let me share with you my experience of facing my fear finally in the order that I have listed earlier.

1. How will I tell my parents?

This is what turned out to be the easiest of all. The reason I feared telling them is not because I doubted their unconditional love, but I was afraid of hurting them. Fortunately for my father, he passed two weeks before my ex breaking the news to me, unfortunately for my mother she had to bear the pain for both. But what a brave front she put on! And she held my hand from the word go. She continues to hold my hand till date, not making me feel bad even for a second about anything at all. I now know that it’s only your parents who will truly stand by you rock solid no matter what.

2. How will I sustain myself?

Yes, this is a fear that always gripped me because I always knew I would never take alimony from my ex. I have always worked but never really took my career seriously as I was never the bread winner. Somewhere I did not have faith in myself. I did not think I have it in me to lead a life independently, but I proved myself wrong and how! It’s close to two years since I have been leading an independent life and have slowly learned how to manage every aspect without anyone to show me the way.

3. What if I become a burden on my parents?

The obvious course of action when a girl leaves her marital home would be to return to her parental one. With that would come a lot of facing people which I was not ready to do at the time when this disaster happened. Luckily, I landed a job in an unknown city which I jumped to accept because I never wanted my parents to wake up everyday and feel pity seeing me. I’m sure they wouldn’t but in my mind, they would. And this decision became crucial in my healing process. It became so much easier to start afresh since neither did I know the city, nor its people. So, it gave me enough room to breathe and do self-talk to gain back my confidence which certainly got hit in the process.

4. How will I face my friends and relatives?

I didn’t. I became a recluse in a way. I stopped keeping in touch with my friends and relatives till I felt I was ready to speak about my reality without shedding a teardrop. I did have a few curious ones asking me a few leading questions, but I avoided them deftly. I sacrificed attending my cousin’s wedding and a few other family occasions but at the end, it was all worth it.

5. How will I survive the neighbors?

This one, I’m still working on. With some telling them straight about your reality works, for some it doesn’t, and you can never tell which is which. So, this remains a grey area. Some judge immediately, some at least pretend to empathize. I still haven’t found a sure shot way to deal with neighbors, but I have learned to ignore this aspect since it affects me the least.

At the end, I want to tell everyone who judge a divorcee that you really don’t know someone’s truth to sit and pass your judgment. Keep your moral compass to yourself and don’t make up a story based on fragmented information. The ones who are unfortunately going through a divorce, make your own rules, face your fears head on. You will get hurt by people who you will never imagine can attack you with scathing remarks while you will also find support from people you will never expect from. These are the people for whom damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You don’t need them.

Count on yourself only. The bumps on the road will smoothen down the way and soon you will be so tough that nothing will be able to touch you. The healing will happen if you give yourself space and nurture yourself like you would a child. Be kind to yourself. Be open to learning. Cry your heart out. Let the tears cleanse you. How else will you welcome the new day?

I have overcome my bumps. I have started taking flight and I’m sure I will be soaring before I know it. And I hope my story gives hope to whoever is going through a similar journey. Here’s to wishing every survivor a great new life ahead.

The Un-helpful Positivity

Like all fads, positivity is one too these days. Open your messaging apps, you're flooded with them or look at your social media accounts, you're drowning in them. But are the ones always preaching really positive?

I have been going through the worst phase of my life since the past five years. Otherwise known to be a social person, I started going into a shell thanks to pseudo positivity. Imagine when you're losing your father to cancer, you're being told, "people have it worse" or when you've become bankrupt, someone telling you "to look on the bright side". No! That's not positivity. That's called lack of empathy.

I'm well aware of the benefits of optimism. If I weren't, I wouldn't have been able to keep the fight on. I have witnessed how my father fought the pains of cancer and survived each day of the death sentence with a smile on his face. Only I know how I cut corners to keep myself afloat after restarting my life from ground zero. And l do it with a smile on. So of course I believe I'll overcome it all. I'm determined to win back everything except not my father who we have lost forever. In my opinion, I'm a positive person.

Offering positive advice also has a right time. If you aren't acknowledging someone's emotion or helping someone process the feelings they're going through, you'll come across as pseudo positive. Maybe all the person sharing with you is looking for a sincere listener. It is among the hardest thing to do to just sit with the distressed person and let him know that you are there to share the burden of the mind numbing thoughts. After all, it's impossible for you to understand the amount of pain that the other person is going through because you haven't been in that place!

Pessimism on the other hand is a different ball game altogether! I'm not advocating that at any cost. I myself have never blamed my luck or felt like giving up at any given moment.

All I'm requesting all the run of the mill positive message influenced people, that when someone who is going through extreme distress has chosen to share her/his story in confidence, don't try to solve anything. Just be a genuine listener. Assure the person that s/he can be vulnerable in front of you and you'll protect them no matter what. That's all that is required instead of a rehashed "be positive".

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

A creaking sound jolted me awake. Has someone opened the door? Did I just see something move? Tried squinting to take a better look but my vision is blurred, thanks to the grime and cobwebs that have covered me over the years.

I closed my eyes. My mind raced back to a sunny morning five decades ago. I could still hear the squeal of delight as my beautiful owner unwrapped me on her birthday, even as her father stood there watching with a beaming smile. After quite a bit of discussion she decided to mount me in the centre of the wall overlooking her beautifully decorated room. I remember her feeling up my exquisite golden frame with her dainty fingers and looking into me with an intent gaze. A mesmerizing smile spread across her angelic face. She whispered,

“Mirror mirror on the wall,

Who’s the prettiest of them all?”

“What a little narcissist,” I chuckled to myself.

And thus began my life with the beautiful 20 year old whose smile had to make you feel all things happy. She would wake up each morning, stretch leisurely, draw the lace curtains open, soak in the first rays of the morning for a few minutes. She would then strut up to me royally, admire her reflection and purr in the huskiest voice possible,

“Mirror mirror on the wall,

Who’s the prettiest of them all?”

I would almost choke myself at her dramatic ways even as she would toss her mane from one side to the other and watch herself from every angle. That routine had become my favourite moment of each day. She would then get busy getting ready for the day while I had the privilege of watching every move as she turned herself into an elegant lady who one had no option but to give a second look to. She would reach the door and turn back to come to me and take one final look before leaving as if to say goodbye to me.

The room would turn to a vacuum as soon as she would be gone, such was her infectious presence. Her laughter, chatter breathed life into the otherwise perfectly done quiet room. I thus planned my siestas accordingly. I would long for her to return in my waking hours and thoroughly enjoyed her making a stop in front of me between everything she would be doing all the while that she would be in the room.

That was a thunderous afternoon. In fact my siesta was getting disrupted thanks to the noise of incessant rain. I was waking up every now and then when the door flung open. In came my beautiful owner much before her schedule and to my surprise, threw herself into the bed instead of a visit to me like she always did. Is something wrong? I couldn't quite tell except I thought I saw her body move like she was sobbing. Soon enough her father walked in. She sat up. Her father started speaking with her in raised voice while she kept crying and requesting him to find another solution. I took a few minutes to understand what’s going on and when I did, I wished I had the power to change the situation.

Her father had made a huge loss in an investment and now the debtors were chasing him down for repayment. Having sold off everything he was now left only with the house where he had brought in his bride who passed away when giving birth to my beautiful owner. He had fought tooth and nail to save the house but couldn't at the end. He had mortgaged it to the bank to clear his debts and thus had been sent a notification to leave the property overnight. The rest of the evening went through a flurry of activities as everything was being packed and the girl sat in the corner sulking. That was perhaps the one time when I wished more than ever before to be a mortal and to be able to hold her in my embrace to comfort her. But that was not to be. All I could do was witness.

Wait, my vision is becoming clearer. I can see sunlight streaming in. The room with me and few other cast away furniture had turned into a rubble alright but still the gush of wind that came in felt like there was life again. I could now see absolutely clearly as the hand that was cleaning me moved away. A frail old lady looked into me. A smile spread on her wrinkled face ever so slowly. She whispered,

“Mirror mirror on the wall,

Who’s the prettiest of them all?”

The Smiling Belle

She leaves a little sparkle wherever she goes
She smiles like sunshine kissing a rose,
As she bends down to smell the lavender
The flower sways to touch her nose.

"You want to tickle me, I suppose?"
She laughs heartily and twirls on her toes,
The lovebird chirps to agree with her words
She turns around and a kiss she blows.

Happiness is her middle name, the whole world knows
But nobody gets to see her when she suffers through her lows.
She writhes in pain as she deals with her woes
Yet that is the storm that no one knows!

She wipes her tears off quietly, Lord knows
She lives to spread happiness as the story goes,
So like the calm, serene river that flows
She gifts the world with her smile that glows.

The Anklet

The calm before the storm has passed
The storm itself has had its run,
Never one to call it quits
I have braced through it with elan.
Exhaustion sometimes makes me ponder
My body or mind ... which is more tired I wonder!
Taking stock of all the bygones
As I close my eyes to think,
Flashbacks crowd my mind in a jiffy
Taking me right to the brink.
As I get sucked in a whirlpool
A touch of a warm hand jolts me awake,
I see your hands clasped around my ankle
Forcing my thoughts take a break.
Head held high you looked ahead
At the endless road ahead,
I followed your gaze and felt divine
My anklet sparkled in the sunshine.
New dreams and endless colours I could feel
Embracing the present is all I need to heal,
Your fingers whispered gently to my soul,
"The secret lies in the bends, take control."
Soaking in the feeling of your touch
Acknowledged that I don't need much,
Sometimes the answer lies in the unknown
So walk I shall, towards the bends that beckon.
Who knows what is waiting round the corner?
Faith is all we need to garner.
Surprises can only be pleasant,
If you believe in the Omnipresent,
And in Him I truly believe
The gift of love only He can give.
"The puzzle fell in place in such a short while"
I closed my eyes and thanked Him with a smile.
All it took is a leap of faith
Armed with that I'm now looking ahead,
I don't know what awaits round the corner
One thing for sure ... I'm feeling finer.
Right now all I need is your hand
And I'll be able to cross the bend,
So stay by my side and love me as I am
Let's make life witness the wham!

Are we lacking in the art of appreciation?

I went through binge reading LinkedIn articles on this lazy Saturday. Needless to say they're always a value add. While I was appreciating different thoughts and perspectives, I also made an observation. Almost all the posts were about goal-setting, enhancing your skills for the next job, future of hiring, etc. The comments told me that most people aren't happy with the current state of things. That made wonder ... are we lacking in the art of appreciation?
Very often we're so busy making ourselves anxious about what next, that we forget to appreciate what is. It's extremely important to set goals to reach the next high, yet where you are standing today was yesterday's goal. Did you pause to celebrate your current role? Did you realise that your hard work paid off for you to be where you stand today? The very fact that you're craving for the next role means you have a job in the world of high unemployment. Have taken a few seconds out to express your gratitude to the universe that you're among the lucky few to have a job that brings hot meals on your table everyday? Maybe it's time to stop and smell the roses.
We keep talking about the increasing stress levels but not many of us own up to the fact that perhaps we contribute to our own stress levels. We're constantly in the competition mode, be it in school, college or professional lives. Remember how we used to get annoyed with our parents because they would refer to the neighbor's son or a brighter cousin? Today, thanks to the brag posts on social media, we ourselves are constantly comparing our lives with hundreds of people we're connected with. We all want the holidays others are taking, the jobs others seem to be enjoying, the more attractive partners they're with ... there's no end to the cravings. What we overlook is that somewhere we're dimming our own lights, which in turn is causing us dissatisfaction with our own lives. With rising dissatisfaction comes a fall in enthusiasm which in turn makes us worry about things that perhaps aren't a cause of concern at that moment and all it does is lead us to the viscous cycle of ever rising stress levels which make us chase what we think we need to achieve.
Hold on before you start running again. Take a few minutes to introspect. Maybe you already have what should make you happy. Prepare for your next goal by all means but not at the expense of today. Appreciate what you have and how much more you add to your happiness and suddenly life isn't so stressful anymore.